One Foot in Front of The Other
It has been years since I sat down the first time and began this blog to journal and put my thoughts out there for others to read. I have started to make a post over the last few years several times but stopped myself. Who would want to read anything I have to say? What is the point? Keep it to yourself, Jennifer! Well, all that may be true, but I just keep coming back to the feeling that I should be writing on this blog. That I should be sharing. So I am going to move forward and see what happens. I don't want to live in fear of what if's!
Here goes nothing! And remember I did not, I repeat....DID NOT major in writing, grammar or anything of the sort! So if there are grammatical errors love me and don't judge my intelligence on such minor details! 💕
Yesterday I decided to tackle the task of yard work. I woke up and as I tried to have quiet time I felt the prompting to get out in the yard and start the work. And so I did limb by limb, weed by weed. It felt great to be outside and working in the yard but goodness it was soooo hot! What was I thinking?!?!?!
As I was working and pouring buckets of sweat, I began to think and process through some of the many random thoughts in my head. The main question I kept thinking about is why do I run from God? Why do I run from the perfect Father? Why do I not go to him first? I mean really! It almost infuriates me to think that I run away from him before I run to him. I know the outcome of running away. I hit a wall and get in a terrible funky place and have to fall on my knees and cry out that I am sorry; forgive me; please help me! I do this over and over and the truth is I am afraid and when you get right down to it...I don't trust God.
Ugh, I hate that I even wrote those words. But it is the truth. I mean don't get me wrong. I trust God often on a lot of things and I know he is faithful and he has shown his love, grace and mercy to me over the past year in ways I never knew possible. However, when I ask myself these thoughts and I am honest, fear and my lack of trust are staring me back in the face.
I fear failing my husband, the boys, friends and family. I fear being judged and rejected by others because I say the wrong thing or I was in a moment and wasn't kind enough or attentive enough. I fear my boys won't love me or that I will screw up so bad being a mother that I will be alone and rejected. My fear of being a failure runs so deep within me and in so many areas that it is immobilizing at times. I just literally shut down because I can't stand the thought that I might screw up.
What do I do with that? I think I face it head on as messy as it may be and as worried about what that looks like as I might be. I am deciding to do the things I know to do and put one foot in front of the other. I mean what are the choices? Keep circling the same issues and coming up with the same solutions or lack of solutions? A relationship with God is moving forward toward the ultimate goal of seeing him face to face and standing before God and eternal life. I know we all know this in our head but how many of us have it like a concrete slab in our heart? I think this is where the knowing meets the road and you have to either surrender or skirt around the issues that are hard and keep knowing but not moving that into the position to KNOW it in your heart, in your marrow, in your soul where it begins to transform you.
I know what you are thinking...I am thinking it too. That all sounds good and yeah for me for figuring out what is making me run like a mad woman from God. But the honest truth is I have been here before. Not on this level but I have met this same issue before and I pushed through and checked it off my list of things I have accomplished. However, here I am again. See that is the thing. Once you start on this journey with God digging out the old wounds and letting him heal them you run across areas you thought were healed only to find out that nope....there was something deeper that needed to be cleaned out. God wants every part of me, of us, and that means surrendering to his will and his way even if it is the last thing you want to do. It means I have to give up control and my world will not look perfect and I will screw up and I will apologize a gazillion times to those around me because I am in a bad mood or angry because I don't want to surrender. I don't want to give up control. I want a family and a picket fence and no mosquitoes and a perfect little Wooten world. But that ain't happening and I can't live the way I am living with this fear that grips me and shuts me down.
How do I stop running? Surrender. I start at the feet of Jesus asking him to forgive me and seeking his direction. For me it is letting him guide my steps. Taking scripture and trying to walk it out and not caring what it looks like. For someone else it may be a totally different experience but for me it starts with me running back to God and falling on my knees. It is me taking the scripture I have learned over the years as I learned how to lay the first few layers of the issue at his feet and pulling those scriptures back out and purposefully trying to surrender to his word and direction.
"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10
"The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
It is me taking the next step and trusting God and his word even when it is hard and I don't want to. It is me taking over control (AGAIN) and realizing that something isn't right and bringing it back to Jesus and not taking it to Trey or a friend to back me up or tell me their thoughts. It is me putting one foot in front of the other.
Here goes nothing! And remember I did not, I repeat....DID NOT major in writing, grammar or anything of the sort! So if there are grammatical errors love me and don't judge my intelligence on such minor details! 💕
Yesterday I decided to tackle the task of yard work. I woke up and as I tried to have quiet time I felt the prompting to get out in the yard and start the work. And so I did limb by limb, weed by weed. It felt great to be outside and working in the yard but goodness it was soooo hot! What was I thinking?!?!?!
As I was working and pouring buckets of sweat, I began to think and process through some of the many random thoughts in my head. The main question I kept thinking about is why do I run from God? Why do I run from the perfect Father? Why do I not go to him first? I mean really! It almost infuriates me to think that I run away from him before I run to him. I know the outcome of running away. I hit a wall and get in a terrible funky place and have to fall on my knees and cry out that I am sorry; forgive me; please help me! I do this over and over and the truth is I am afraid and when you get right down to it...I don't trust God.
Ugh, I hate that I even wrote those words. But it is the truth. I mean don't get me wrong. I trust God often on a lot of things and I know he is faithful and he has shown his love, grace and mercy to me over the past year in ways I never knew possible. However, when I ask myself these thoughts and I am honest, fear and my lack of trust are staring me back in the face.
I fear failing my husband, the boys, friends and family. I fear being judged and rejected by others because I say the wrong thing or I was in a moment and wasn't kind enough or attentive enough. I fear my boys won't love me or that I will screw up so bad being a mother that I will be alone and rejected. My fear of being a failure runs so deep within me and in so many areas that it is immobilizing at times. I just literally shut down because I can't stand the thought that I might screw up.
What do I do with that? I think I face it head on as messy as it may be and as worried about what that looks like as I might be. I am deciding to do the things I know to do and put one foot in front of the other. I mean what are the choices? Keep circling the same issues and coming up with the same solutions or lack of solutions? A relationship with God is moving forward toward the ultimate goal of seeing him face to face and standing before God and eternal life. I know we all know this in our head but how many of us have it like a concrete slab in our heart? I think this is where the knowing meets the road and you have to either surrender or skirt around the issues that are hard and keep knowing but not moving that into the position to KNOW it in your heart, in your marrow, in your soul where it begins to transform you.
I know what you are thinking...I am thinking it too. That all sounds good and yeah for me for figuring out what is making me run like a mad woman from God. But the honest truth is I have been here before. Not on this level but I have met this same issue before and I pushed through and checked it off my list of things I have accomplished. However, here I am again. See that is the thing. Once you start on this journey with God digging out the old wounds and letting him heal them you run across areas you thought were healed only to find out that nope....there was something deeper that needed to be cleaned out. God wants every part of me, of us, and that means surrendering to his will and his way even if it is the last thing you want to do. It means I have to give up control and my world will not look perfect and I will screw up and I will apologize a gazillion times to those around me because I am in a bad mood or angry because I don't want to surrender. I don't want to give up control. I want a family and a picket fence and no mosquitoes and a perfect little Wooten world. But that ain't happening and I can't live the way I am living with this fear that grips me and shuts me down.
How do I stop running? Surrender. I start at the feet of Jesus asking him to forgive me and seeking his direction. For me it is letting him guide my steps. Taking scripture and trying to walk it out and not caring what it looks like. For someone else it may be a totally different experience but for me it starts with me running back to God and falling on my knees. It is me taking the scripture I have learned over the years as I learned how to lay the first few layers of the issue at his feet and pulling those scriptures back out and purposefully trying to surrender to his word and direction.
"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10
"The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
It is me taking the next step and trusting God and his word even when it is hard and I don't want to. It is me taking over control (AGAIN) and realizing that something isn't right and bringing it back to Jesus and not taking it to Trey or a friend to back me up or tell me their thoughts. It is me putting one foot in front of the other.
Comments